Some are born with silver cell phones in their mouth, others aren’t. But

friends, sleek cells or not, we’re all insaan log.

Surprise surprise, so is the star set. They have their blacker than coal

moods and use language ranging from the Emily Post-like politesse to

the unadulterated mc-bc.

To disclose a secret, a heroine with a barfi-sweet, gharelu image is an

expert gandi gaaliwaali. You get the picture then.

I’m just dialling into the subject: about how to organise meetings with

heroes, heroines, directors. It’s all done through the phone to the

interviewee, straight, direct, since most secretaries are more occupied

in turning into film producers themselves. Not many do.

Accha, so I’ve detected a pattern in setting up these star mulaqats.

First, you must possess a phone — there was a time when MTNL was

very MEANTNL about allocating lines — and then you must possess

the star’s phone number.

Mobile numbers are far preferable to landlines which are only

answered by yells, “Khaaaali peeeli, idhar phone nahin karne ka kya.

Bola na madame.. saheb.. nahaa rayela hai.. kya?.. alag ya saath mein?

Tere ko kya, saala halqat.”

Never mind if stars are unreachable, mostly. As for the sms route, you

may be stranded in the Antarctica snows or being roasted for a meal by

cannibals, but your msgs for emergency help always draw a blank.

Receiver banged. It’s infinitely better to go to cell and back. Never

mind if stars are unreachable, mostly. As for the sms route, you may be

stranded in the Antarctica snows or being roasted for a meal by

cannibals, but your msgs for emergency help always draw a blank. The

only response may be from my Bhojpuri superstar pal Ravi Kissen

saying, “Ham dulhania ke lagey jaibo jaibo.”

No use crying over unanswered connections, no? Just for the record, I

will tell you of my most horrifying and delightful phone experiences.

Great connections
Undoubtedly, the Bachchans were rumoured to have the best phone

manners in the show world. Leave a message with the operator, and

your call will be returned, if it is of any consequence.

Now, he’s best contactable on the sms and after all the perils he’s been

going through, can’t even spell as well as he used to. Sad.

Source of constant amusement, a domestic help at Asha Bhosle’s

Peddar Road apartment sounds as angry as the Mangeshkars do about

the flyover. When I call, she renames me, “Asokraa.” Of late, she hasn’t

been picking up the phone. That’s why I haven’t been calling up Ashaji

either. Shah Rukh Khan, he may be in any part of the world, but on a

special day, he’ll get in touch, and make me realise I am not alone.

Never.

Ego boost
Rishi Kapoor, after a couple of sunset Patialas, will always tell me

what a good person I am, how he liked something I wrote, and that I

deserve the entire crate of Emilion wine which will turn to vinegar, if I

don’t drop by soon. Whenever I’m low, Chints boosts the shreds of my

ego.

Kareena Kapoor, hot on the sms front, will respond “my dr hw u whr u

luvz ksses, bk in a wk frm KlLmpr vmst mt sn”, but has never kept her

word. But at least, she sends hrtwrmng endrments. Tabu, not regular,

but when she does sms it’s with no agenda, no nothing, just keeping in

touch.