Bush’s Resume
TRUE, LOYAL, LOCK-STEP SUPPORTERS OF THE FOLLOWING UNPRINCIPLED SUPER-STUPID DIM
WIT (AKA congressional Republicans):

RESUMÉ
George W. Bush
The White House, USA
EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE:
· COLLEGE: I graduated from Yale University with a low C average. I was a
cheerleader.
MILITARY:
· I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went AWOL. I refused to take a drug
test or answer any questions about my drug use. By joining the Texas Air National
Guard, I was able to avoid combat duty in Vietnam.
CRIMINAL HISTORY
· I was arrested in Kennebunkport, Maine, in 1976 for driving under the influence
of alcohol. I pled guilty, paid a fine, and had my driver’s license suspended for
30 days. My Texas driving record has been “lost” and is not available.
WORK EXPERIENCE:
· I ran for US Congress – and lost.
· I began my career in the oil business in Midland, Texas, in 1975. I bought an
oil company, but couldn’t find any oil in Texas. The company went bankrupt shortly
after I sold all my stock.
· I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land
using tax payer money.
· With the help of my father and our right-wing friends in the oil industry
(including Enron’s CEO Ken Lay), I was elected governor of Texas.
ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS GOVERNOR:
· I changed Texas pollution laws to favor power and oil companies, making Texas
the most polluted state in the Union.
· During my tenure as Governor, Houston replaced Los Angeles as the most smog-
ridden city in America.
· I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas treasury to the tune of billions in
borrowed money.
· During my tenure as governor, more executions were performed than for any
governor in American history.
· With the help of my brother, the governor of Florida, and my father’s
appointments to the Supreme Court, I became President after losing the popular
vote by over 500,000 votes.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT:
· I invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing cost of over one billion
dollars per week.
· I spent the US surplus and effectively bankrupted the US Treasury. I shattered
the record for the largest annual deficit in US history.
· I set an economic record for the most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month
period.
· I set the all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the US stock
market.
· I am the first President in US history to enter office with a criminal record.
· I set the all-time record for most days on vacation in anyone-year period.
· After taking off the entire month of August, I presided over the worst security
failure in US history.
· I am supporting development of a nuclear “Tactical Bunker Buster,” a WMD (Weapon
of Mass Destruction).
· In my State of the Union Address, I lied about our reasons for attacking Iraq,
and then blamed the lies on our British friends.
· I set the record for most campaign fund-raising trips by a US President.
· In my first year in office, over 2 million Americans lost their jobs and that
trend continues every month.
· I presided over the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period.
· I appointed more convicted criminals to administration than any President in US
history.
· I set the record for least number of press conferences of any President since
the advent of television.
· I presided over the biggest energy crisis in US history and refused to intervene
when corruption involving the oil industry was revealed.
· I presided over the highest gasoline prices in US history.
· I have cut health care benefits for war veterans and support a cut in duty
benefits for active duty troops and their families — in wartime.
· I have set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously
protest me in public venues (15 million people), shattering the record for protest
against any person in the history of mankind.
· I’ve broken more international treaties than any President in US history.
· I’m proud that the members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration
in US history. My “poorest millionaire,” Condoleeza Rice, has a Chevron oil tanker
named after her.

· I am the first President in US history to order an unprovoked, preemptive attack
and the military occupation of a sovereign nation. I did so against the will of
the United Nations, the majority of US citizens, and the world community.
· I created the Ministry of Homeland Security, the largest bureaucracy in the
history of the United States government.
· I am the first President in US history to have the United Nations remove the US
from the Human Rights Commission.
· I withdrew the US from the World Court of Law.
· I refused to allow inspector’s access to US “prisoners of war” detainees and
thereby have refused to abide by the Geneva Convention.
· I am the first President in history to refuse United Nations election inspectors
(during the 2002 US election).
· I am the all-time US and world record-holder for receiving the most corporate
campaign donations.
· My largest lifetime campaign contributor, and one of my best friends, is Kenneth
Lay, who presided over the largest corporate bankruptcy fraud in US history. My
political party used Enron private jets and corporate attorneys to assure my
success with the US Supreme Court decision during my election. I have protected my
friends at Enron and Halliburton against investigation or prosecution. More time
and money was spent investigating the Monica Lewinsky affair than has been spent
investigating one of the biggest corporate rip-offs in history.
· I garnered the most sympathy for the US after the World Trade Center attacks and
less than a year later made the US the most hated country in the world, the
largest failure of diplomacy in world history.
· I am the first President in history to have a majority of Europeans (71%) view
my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and security.
· I changed the US policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government
contracts.
· I have so far failed to fulfill my pledge to bring Osama Bin Laden and Saddam
Hussein to justice.
RECORDS AND REFERENCES:
· All records of my tenure as governor of Texas are now in my father’s library,
sealed and unavailable for public view.
· All records of SEC investigations into my insider trading and my bankrupt
companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
· All records or minutes from meetings that I, or my Vice-president, attended
regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public
review.
 

Gentlemen:

Given your recent reading of the college application essay and your ties to that other (lesser) institution in Cambridge, I thought you might enjoy this.

Yours sincerely,
Stan McGee.

MIT certainly has a reputation to be proud of, but its admissions department went a little over-board, I think. The first letter is an honest-to-goodness mailing from MIT, the second is one prospective student’s reply:

Mr. John T. Mongan
123 Main Street
Smalltown, California 94123-4567

Dear John:

You’ve got the grades. You’ve certainly got the PSAT scores. And now you’ve got a letter from MIT. Maybe you’re surprised. Most students would be.

But you’re not most students. And that’s exactly why I urge you to consider carefully one of the most selective universities in America.

The level of potential reflected in your performance is a powerful indicator that you might well be an excellent candidate for MIT. It certainly got my attention!

Engineering’s not for you? No problem. It may surprise you to learn we offer more than 40 major fields of study, from architecture to brain and cognitive sciences, from economics (perhaps the best program in the country) to writing.

What? Of course, you don’t want to be bored. Who does? Life here *is* tough *and* demanding, but it’s also *fun*. MIT students are imaginative and creative - inside and outside the classroom.

You’re interested in athletics? Great! MIT has more varsity teams - 39 - than almost any other university, and a tremendous intramural program so everybody can participate.

You think we’re too expensive? Don’t be too sure. We’ve got surprises for you there, too.

Why not send the enclosed Information Request to find out more about this unique institution? Why not do it right now?

Sincerely,

Michael C. Benhke
Director of Admissions

P.S. If you’d like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, “Insight,” just check the appropriate box on the form.

May 5, 1994

Michael C. Behnke
MIT Director of Admissions
Office of Admissions, Room 3-108
Cambridge MA 02139-4307

Dear Michael:

You’ve got the reputation. You’ve certainly got the pomposity. And now you’ve got a letter from John Mongan. Maybe you’re surprised. Most universities would be.

But you’re not most universities. And that’s exactly why I urge you to carefully consider one of the most selective students in America, so selective that he will choose only *one* of the thousands of accredited universities in the country.

The level of pomposity and lack of tact reflected in your letter is a powerful indicator that your august institution might well be a possibility for John Mongan’s future education. It certainly got my attention!

Don’t want Bio-Chem students? No problem. It may surprise you to learn that my interests cover over 400 fields of study, from semantics to limnology, from object-oriented programming (perhaps one of the youngest professionals in the country) to classical piano.

What? Of course you don’t want egotistical jerks. Who does? I *am* self-indulgent *and* over confident, but I’m also amusing. John Mongan is funny and amusing - whether you’re laughing with him or at him.

You’re interested in athletes? Great! John Mongan has played more sports - 47 - than almost any other student, including oddball favorites such as Orienteering.

You think I can pay for your school? Don’t be too sure. I’ve got surprises for you there, too.

Why not send a guaranteed admission and full scholarship to increase your chance of being selected by John Mongan? Why not do it right now?

Sincerely,
John Mongan

P.S. If you’d like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, “John Mongan: What a Guy!” just ask.

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real “miser” when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife…”When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.”
And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, “Wait just a moment!”
She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, “Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.”
The loyal wife replied, “Listen, I’m a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.” You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?”
“I sure did,” said the wife. “I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check…. If he can cash it, then he can spend it.”